THE NERC COURT OF COMMON PLEAS
SOMEWHERE IN LAKE COUNTY, OHIO
vs. Guy Runners,
Now come Plaintiffs, Female Runners, and complain herein against Defendants, Guy Runners, and bemoan their fate as follows:
1. Male runners should be restrained from reading this Complaint on account of it has like, girl-related stuff, much of which they will neither understand nor appreciate. In the event they should elect to continue reading hereinafter, they shall proceed at their own risk.
2. Plaintiffs believe it is time their grievances were aired (since I, personally, have never done that before), on the inequities inherent in the sport of running.
3. Plaintiffs believe it's bad enough that they have to be the ones having the babies, and that they still do not receive equal pay for equal work. Plaintiffs must further suffer a variety of running-related indignities that men can never know.
4. Plaintiffs are not even talking here about the fact that from month to month they must pray that their marathon falls on the appropriate day, if you catch my drift. Or that men can use the "outdoor facilities" without the need to bare their rear ends to the cold, naked air.
5. Plaintiffs are talking more of the basic stuff here. Take the sports bra, for example. An instrument of torture if ever there was one. It usually goes on o.k. but after a run, it takes a contortionist to get it off.
6. Plaintiffs further complain that despite the excessive cost of sports bras, the life span of said bras does not go beyond one year, at which time Plaintiffs know they can expect to receive third degree burn marks on any run over 10 miles.
7. Plaintiffs also hate running tights. A man's idea, no doubt. Plaintiffs hate running through the streets knowing that all their neighbors are thinking, "Why does she wear those? Does she think they look attractive?"
8. Plaintiffs believe it is unfair that guys who run generally manage to keep their body fat in the 2-4% range regardless of their food consumption. Females, on the other hand, know that if they consume one lousy cookie, it will take at least an 18 miler to rid themselves of the evidence (unless they are Barb Sosnowski, and then only 5 miles).
9. Defendants do not have to deal with the agony of "hat hair." Guys can wear any knit or baseball cap when they run, and their hair will look just the same when they remove the hat as it did before they put it on.
10. Plaintiffs, on the other hand, would not dare to remove their hats until they are safely returned to the privacy of their homes where the only laughter comes from immediate family members (who can then be threatened with refusal to do laundry). In winter, Plaintiffs' only option is a headband, even though 90% of a person's body heat escapes from the top of the head. Suffering for beauty is something Plaintiffs also hate.
11. Defendant-guys do not worry about the way it looks to have black toenails when they go in for a pedicure.
12. When running after work, Defendant-guys never have to worry about whether the mascara they used that morning is waterproof.
13. Guys don't care that the gloves they are wearing have not been washed even though said gloves have been repeatedly used to wipe away a variety of bodily fluids emanating from the various bodily orifices, most notably, the nose.
14. Guys are admired by both sexes for spitting on the run. The bigger the gob, the better. Plaintiffs are expected to "swallow their pride" and remain ladylike at all time.
WHEREFORE, Plaintiffs pray that Mother Nature do something to level the playing field, such as awarding Plaintiffs vast sums of money, which will most certainly make them feel better. In the alternative, Plaintiffs request a more appropriate sport, something that can be done inside, with makeup on, such as ballroom dancing.
Aimee Gilman, Esq.
On behalf of Plaintiffs