The Nerc Helpline
Today we introduce the newest feature of the NERC newsletter, "Ask Aimee." This column enables ordinary NERC runners to get advice from our resident expert, Aimee "I never me a run I really liked" Gilman. Let's see what our first runners' questions are:
I have been running with my husband for many years, but lately he's been whining and complaining during bad weather runs.
What should I do? Signed, Desperate Housewife
Boy have you come to the wrong place. You should consider yourself blessed that your hubby's idea of running involves something more that a dash to the bathroom during halftime.
No matter how careful I am about taking care of my "personal needs" before I run, I still have to "stop" outside to "use the facilities."
What should I do? Singed, Under Pressure
Don't worry so much. The NERC has a little known "outdoor" fund to be used for the express purpose of bailing out of jail any of its runners caught in public with their pants down, if you get my drift. You should be aware, however, that anyone caught overusing quotation marks will be left to rot.
I've run a number of marathons, but I feel unfulfilled and want to run an ultra, perhaps a 50 miler. Do you have any suggestions? Signed, Obsessive-compulsive in Cleveland Heights
You feel unfulfilled? Get a dog. Do you have any suggestions? For starters, you should have your head examined. But it you are determined to do this, there's a lovely little ultra called the "Buckeye 50k." Just don't do it unless it has rained the night before or it's no fun.
I've just bought a pair of running shoes for $90. Do you think they will be ok? Signed, Pronating in Parma
Those shoes will be fine if the only running you plan to do is chasing your secretary around her desk. For actual running, you must spend at least $200, and add $50 for each foot that overpronates. Also, don't forget those all-important socks. Expect to spend around $20. For the left one. The right one will cost around $30.
Is it essential, as the commercials imply. That I drink a lemon-lime flavored sports drink with a name that sounds like a charitable benefit for reptiles, in order to run far? Signed, Electrolyte Seeker
Yes, it is essential. If you don't drink it, you will die.
Well, that's all we have time for today. Send all your running, fashion, low-carb, or legal questions to: Ask Aimee, c/o Bob and Candace Barr, the NERC Newsletter, Saks Fifth Ave (and occasionally Nordstrom), Beachwood, Ohio. Don't send money. I will bill you.